当你是一个人的，人却觉得你需要个另一半。
当你在哭的时候，人却觉得你很悲观。

其实呢，不管别人怎么觉得。。
也永远顺从不了大家。

所以自己要很清楚自己想要的，
自己是谁。

还相信，世界还是美好吗？
真心不代表得到的会是真心。
而一切的来龙是超越我们想象的那样。

总之，
https://www.facebook.com/read.life/photos/a.10150140159875057.398453.403142035056/10155130405275057/?type=1&theater ！

U know,

If Vampire was actually real, 

I don't mind turning into one of them.

Cause they can just shut all the feelings down.

And live a heartless life, moving on.

Sadly, there isn't such a thing.

Misunderstanding and explanation.

I hate both of them.

Cause it moves in a circle that it will just happen again and again.

How was the past few days? 

It sucks! It really did ....

But it doesn't matter anymore.

Cause I don't want to solve any mysterious question game of 'why' and 'how come'.

When is broken, it must have just fell and that's it. 

Since is broken, I guess is about 'then whats next' instead of 'who did it' or 'how could this happen.'

Reality. Don't ever thought about anything that last .. 

At then end of the day, 

Do you really think is 'friends forever' or even 'family like forever'.

Even your husband may die before you.

no happiness that lasts and gladly no sadness will last...

And I guess that's a relief. 

They always do say don't love that person with all you have,

and sometimes we just forget that we may had love certain people for like 20 years,

and at the end of the day, 

It really means nothing at all.

Is stupidity of some fantasy.

That probably Prince Micheal did actually love Princess Barbie too.

Just don't ask about the truth of anything, 

cause sometimes is still better not knowing the truth 

and keep believing that you are cared or loved or even somehow protected,

At least, you would continue having the slightest hope of it. 

Getting close to the phone and how I wish I can randomly message someone.
Talk crappy stuff.
But I hesitated.
So I didn't.
I felt lonely at that very moment.
But I needed to remind myself that I will be fine,
that habit does kill you at times.

Having to have sisters I used to able to talk to them anything and anytime,
and suddenly I had to hold it back.
The eyes that they gave me on how weak I am,
or how useless I am,
or even how terrible I am.
I don't have the rights to say anything in the house.
People move on with their lives,
Again, I'm always too slow to realize it.

Rumors or truth.
I am not the kind of person who can justify it.
I'm silence and I'm never good in speaking.
So just let it be, let the hurt continues and let the tears fall.
Cause immunization is something I hope it can faster come.

My career, my money, and my ability of not being able to justify myself,
Do affect the confidence I used to have.
I used to stand high,
but it all started dropping.
A fear of not having the sense of belongings.

At times, I love God for protecting the people around.
At times, when I felt that I needed to be sacrificed for others togetherness, I hesitated my prayers for not adding a point of making me even stronger to handle it.
I will be fine feeling the pain again and again, send my prayers to the world but do provide me with a stronger heart to withstand it.

You know what really hurts ?

The feeling of not able to be yourself.
Every time I turned bad,
It made me so much of a guilt,
and I would end up crying, feeling the pain.
But it was how it suppose to be.
How everyone would be just in place.
Is just me, not being able to overcome the changes.
It's okay to be hated,
It's okay to be alone
and It's okay to be blamed.
Like a million times I tell it to myself,
which I don't seems to be okay yet.

Positive, positive !!
Being bad makes others feel good.
Being bad makes you stronger handling it.
If by being bad does make others together.
Like how wars sacrificed the weak ones to win the entire empire.
So,It's  really just okay.
As long you are truthful to yourself,
You need not be afraid of the truth being revealed.
The journey is long or maybe forever,
But it's really just okay.

I like my instagram.
I like my LINE or wechat walls,
that I could just post my blessed days.
But it should has never existed like how I would bid farewell to them all like now.
Looking into what's just on the pictures that appeared to be bless or so called the temporary joyful moments,
Is like how I always cheated myself that reality is still fine,
I hate histories...
History of being blessed or even once being loved or even being taken care of,
As it grew, as it all gradually disappear.
Is just so much of a pain.
I want live everyday liked how I suppose to be.
Nothing and just keep moving on.
Cause It will and definitely will be okay.

a pessimism's story

Do you know what makes a tough heart ? 

And do you know what mold a cold personality ? 

That's human itself. 

The expectation of yourself.

The people around you.

The things happened.

And definitely the changes that occurred.

Some people has too much expectation on something that never turned out the way it is.

Eventually led to forceful disappointment and has to endure it with pain.

Or maybe some people are always just too lonely and introvert towards the true feelings,

that failed to express the thoughts to get things in place. 

The two opposite forces - positive and the negative, 

which are commonly install in a person's nature, 

and usually tells their story.

Optimistic - the healthy mind that makes the attraction strong, owned by two or more types of people. The one that arise naturally from the perfect family and the one that always try to make things better. Let's just call them the blessed group.

Pessimistic - the polluted mind that makes the deflation. Commonly owned by people who has really not much choices in reality or those who had a struggle through their childhood.

Truthfully, I am a pessimist.

So I tell a story of a pessimism.

There are days of bright sunshine and there are days of being very down. 

But we all always try it hard to make things just right or to be the that safety person to the society.

We love quotes, we love motivation talks, we love encouragement and we definitely love praises. 

Cause they inspired us, they make us strong and they definitely make us positive. 

At our worst moment, we cry a lot, we blame a lot, we get angry easily, and we do hurt ourselves a lot. 

Some people never understand how much we always try to change, how much we always try to be just as bright as the optimism, how much we want to live comfortably with people, or how much we never want to be ourselves.

Some of us enjoy blogging, some of us just enjoy polluting our social network walls, instagram or even facebook, some of us enjoy boosting ourselves, some of us just love talking all the time, whichever is it..  they will be helpful in releasing our negative thoughts. 

In some sense, We are weak and yes we do need help. 

Honestly, I am pretty tired with people. 

I need some consideration.

If you not interested in helping, just... 

Don't stay on the way of breaking my confidence, breaking my strength or even destroy my hard-work of being a proper person. 

Being cool is a way of self protecting.

You can choose to love me, 

and I will keep flourish my thoughts.

Or, You can choose to hate me, ignore me,

and I will still be fine to keep moving on. 

I am alone, not lonely but broken. 

If you are helping, I stay. 

If you are not please leave me. 

PM 10012015 

 

2015 ?!

Yes that marks the end of 2014.
And looking back into my 2014 resolution, I'm glad i did accomplish some !
One of the biggest achievement I had was to travel oversea.
Great experience travelling alone and travelling with my friends.
I would love to blog about it but i don't seems to have the time for it.
Besides, routinely gear up with futsal, jogging.... it does made me happy!
With sports, it is a great fun all year long.
And definitely to be blessed to all kinds of food, to have a taste of it !
I'm just pretty fortunate for it.

3 things I neglected in the previous resolution:-
Martial Art- i wasn't able to complete it, but I will keep it in mind, as Martial Art will be the activity to pass my time even during the days of working.

Losing Weight - a big fail! Gosh.. doesn't know when can i keep my weight down ><

Emotion - something i still need to work on !

And so,
2015 ~
what do we expect ?

Being my last year of degree education and the year for a new reality working life, I know is going to be a tough year !

1) Keeping the weight down! something i seriously want to accomplish. 46kg maybe ?

2) Be good in what I am doing. As for that, I set a goal of wanting to accomplish reading at least 100 pcs of book in the whole year.

3) My first paycheck ! To my mom, who has been secretly supporting me. I just want to treat her with something good. People should not look into the past but do look forward in making everything better. Definitely, I'm thankful for my dad who always try giving me the best and I would still love to make him proud.

4) Studying abroad reduces the time I can spend home. I'm definitely going to cry nights home-sicking. And to really keep in touch home, it is really hard, cause everyone is usually very busy with their livings. I may not have an ordinary family that tries to talk to one and another closely or be in totally in touched through social networks, but I need be ready for all the hard times I might face and reality of the family. I still love them, like how they still love me, just  that the lack of closeness may weaken my emotions, depress my days; to be brave and to be another person - never be fear :)

5)I have  a very very big wish which i know is kinda hard to accomplished. Hopefully, by then I am capable enough to make it happen. On my very very big day- graduation day, I really hope my dad and my mom can turn up at the same time. Usually, I know I have to make a choice of either one, but throughout the year, I shall just keep wishing and hoping that they both can turn up for the sake of me. I really needed to be extra strong to make changes to the family but I know it don't usually turn up so well. But like all the years, i will wait, to wait for a change, to put history behind.

6) Travelling. I really love travelling. So from this year onward, travelling to oversea will be part of my every year resolution. Travelling widens my minds, ease the heart and definitely make a person much wiser and much braver. Is best to have a companion with it, but it will also be fine being a lone trip. Anyhow, is a journey - a journey of growth and stories of a youth.

7)Sports or music? Either one, this year I am looking for the very one thing I would love, one thing I can persist on and be just good in it. Being okay with everything, don't make much accomplishment. Will see how the year goes ~

God bless the road !Hoping the best ~
I love you God for all the protection, love and care !
Do shower them to my family and my friends in this amazing coming year !