Changing pavements

Dilemma again ~

Should I give up
or should i continue and tell my stories in future.

The messy home,
the lack of a foundation,
no longer a place i can hold on.

Life still goes on ~
If time is turned back 5 years ago.
I should have left home earlier.
then, I might not have the opportunity to study what I like,
but at least I will have less worry.
People says depends on your family,
they will bring you up.
But that's never for me.

No one knows the story,
neither will I want to talk about it.
I just really needed some peace.
some peace in mind.

I want to leave, to a place that no one knows me.
to a place to start a new life.

And what's really holding back ?

想。恋爱。

The haze is terrible now,
the feelings is down again.

蒙蒙的雾，闷闷的心情，
感觉真的不好。

忽然间，
觉得我的人生太单调了。
老师今天说了关于谈恋爱这回事，
恋爱可以是很多人的最好的药。
有了另一半也许情绪会稳定下来。

也许我真的忽然想再次恋爱，
或是觉得人老了，
会不会太迟了。
家人姑姑们都很期待，
可是我的预感恐怕会让大家非常失望。

要恋爱，的确不简单，
想找个伴，说说就会出现吗？
一个人长的不好看，男人婆样，
不太会讲话，
更惨是一直忧郁病，
谁忍受的了啊。

一直盲目追求梦想的自己，
会不会失去了人生的那一扇门。

可是找谁恋爱呢？
爱的人不爱你。
不爱的人却出现。
谁会是我的mr right。
谁会呵护我的缺点。
谁会包容我的情绪。
谁才会敢爱强悍的陈佐佐。

LTC 2014 ~the Washington

The journey to Kota Tinggi is crazily far!

 5 hours and I would have already be back to my hometown.

But is okay, the journey in the bus was just sleep and sleep which is definitely the best time I had to just take a BREAK !!

Kota Tinggi Village may not be as nice I as thought,

probably because I really did expect to see a REAL waterfall, hehe

but no complaints cause is a camp u see.

One thing I do like was the tent,

luckily it was not a real tent we had to lay our sleeping bags on the ground,

but it was a man-made wood that made me slept so soundly even with noise of frishbee and the turkey crippling ?!Again, probably I m too tired -.-

How do I rate my group ?

probably 7 out of 10 J

they are pretty awesome just that we did not have much time to know each other more as it was just a 2 day one night camp. But throughout the games and activites, I realize I had the most patience group ever throughout many years of camping. Why to say so ? cause we had a very blur and adorable team leader who always goes missing in action, he don’t really clicks to what we sometimes had in mind but he is always still awesome as he is really a nice and funny person. Royce the man of the team, the instructor and the person who assists us all very well. The first impression he gave me was another scary boss instructor that we all usually had in all leadership camp, but seriously he isn’t so. He actually pretty good in thinking out of the box, day one itself during ice breaking game, He made the idea of using a longer string on everyone legs, that pretty made the game so easy for us and that’s why Washington wins it again. Haha. Also, in the next day and the following day, he does his job pretty well ;) . In life, many people who are smarter tend to not listen to others ideas or orders but for him is different, I would like to give him an extra star for it. I believe Social board will be good with him there. Then, every team you are in, you definitely hopes that there is that one joker that made the day just right for everyone of us. Yes, we had Peterson the ADC guy, now I know is adventure club.(sorry ya><) His joke just came naturally and he is really one of our great motivator. Winning and losing or what so ever seems nothing to all of us, because I guess we pretty had fun laughing around. whatever you say it name it, Mr joker will just say give it a try and go for it, less of hesitation but we always work hard to solve it up. On top of all his jokes, he is pretty good in solving situation through trial and errors J liked how we did it in traffic jam I guess. QC the hard worker and the good follower, I believed he will be someone awesome when he start voicing out his thoughts. I always believe in inner talent hidden in people who is shy, and that talent will one day somehow be stimulated. Haha. Get it ? seriously thanks for supporting my hand in the game on transferring the water- cant really remember the name of the game, I can really feel the strength he puts lifiting up the person and I feel pretty bad for having such a weak hand ><. Tze Ching, tisu that’s how I remember her name. it took me a few second to translate tisu into mandarin to shout out her name, and yes I got it right! For real, I admire her courage; I guess she had the most out expectation experience during wall climbing, despite her injured back, she overcome her fear even with some doubts on us, and made it through the wall ! Give her a really big big clap !!! besides that, I see she had many ideas in her mind, quite of a talent as a planner and a leader.  She will really do well in her gathering night. Jia you o ! Good luck in your journey in MCC. Many tasks were also made easy with our 50kilo irover guy Weisheng, luckily he was there, or the girls will be to blamed for being heavy. Haha. Having a rover in a group is pretty cool, they do those rafting, building and tying. I was once a scout too and definitely those things we do are so tough and challenging, to expect others to have such a super challenging tasks that will be pretty hard for many of them. Just something I like to clarify- no hard feeling. Energetic as he always is, he came out with our group cheer and save our day. haha- Rovers style! Service cell guy- the person who made most of the volunteering. Unlike most of us, he always listen to instruction very clearly. Besides, he is a very helpful guy too J Pua, the only person I knew earlier, so blessed to have her around, cause she always keep me updated whenever I went missing. Thanks for so many things that you prepared and borrowed me. Forgive my laziness. hehe. Well, generally is just my tiny point of view, it might not be so true as I just knew most of them like two days ago. Hehe. So don’t hate me if I do really annoy anyone. Also my apologizes for not being updated in fb before the camp, did not managed to go online most of the time, and when I did, did not really had the initiative to say anything. That is solely my bad.

What I think of 18^th INTIMA?

From the very first time I meet all of them until today, I always admire the courage they have. One thing I believe I hardly sees in me. Besides that, they are nice people that’s for real, I m still holding that slightest believe that they will put many small clubs into consideration and not to neglect them. Whatever the outcomes is, probably the camp isn’t as good as many expected, but to come to stand on their position, I think it wont be so easy to actually satisfy everyone needs. A student government that has to hold the responsibilities of thousands of students sounds pretty scary for me. But for them to actually think of many ways to improve things up and they put their heart and effort as much as they could, is really something we should be looking into. For trouble I might had caused earlier to the 18^th intima, I still feel a little sorry for it. Honestly, after certain incident, they sort of did motivate me to strive further. I thought of just retire after a year of service but today i am still working on plans, bigger plans probably. They service people in a very large group and they actually opened my eyes to do my services in my areas. Just like how things has been done lately. :) They really did not pay me to brag about this cause frankly speaking i know maybe they actually still dislike me.hehe Still with my dreams in mind, my plans on bigger services that had to come to a hold. I pretty thankful that i made it into LTC so that it reminds me to keep my dream going even though I am still having a tough time with my final year project.><

That's all for now ~~ Good luck to ALL!! till we meet again :)

*no hard feelings, is just my point of view

如果摔的越痛 才越會飛行

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVkXn_YIJZ4

最討厭　要下不下的雨

可惜未來總是　撲朔迷離

如果摔的越痛　才越會飛行

快把我　丟向最高的天空裡

不喜歡　別人說我幸運

他們不懂我有　多麼努力

雖然衝動永遠　比堅持容易

寶貴的東西都需要很費心

碰到的事　每一天都不同

有的給我眼淚　有的給我笑容

終於會珍惜花開不怕花落

走過的曲折　就全變成彩虹

不喜歡　別人說我幸運

他們不懂我有　多麼努力

雖然衝動永遠　比堅持容易

寶貴的東西都需要很費心

遇見的人　每一天都不同

偶爾失去什麼　偶爾學到什麼

慢慢能翻越沙丘走出日落

每一天的我　要比　昨天遼闊

連我都不相信自己的時候

只有你一直相信我

此刻我什麼也不想說

因為擁抱能表達得更多

碰到的事　每一天都不同

有的給我眼淚　有的給我笑容

終於會珍惜花開不怕花落

走過的曲折　就全變成彩虹

遇見的人　每一天都不同

偶爾失去什麼　偶爾學到什麼

慢慢能翻越沙丘走出日落

每一天的我　要比　昨天遼闊

不习惯的环境

情绪一天比一天低落。
不懂那里出现了问题，
也不懂该找谁帮忙。

我的final year project 的题目，
好像不受老师肯定，
不介意重新换题，
但我真的不懂要怎么找好的题目，
要从哪里开始，
还是从那里更改，
老师又一直没心指导我，
我好讨厌这种无助的感觉。

今天一位老师也说了，
‘你们已经第四年咯，要快点背完方剂，应该互相跟同学对问。’
我心里第一个反应就是‘怎么可能！！’
跟他们四年， 我一直都很羡慕我的学长学姐们，
因为他们很团结，又很努力。
我这一班呢。。。。。
不是害怕谁比谁好，
就是害怕谁偷了谁的knowledge。
简单来说，超级怕输。
现在只是读书而已，
我真的不能想象以后为了钱，
大家嘴巴上挂着的恩怨。

一些乖乖生，
做什么功课一定要比别人好，
这是很好的心态啊。
但来到实习，
神神秘秘的找资料，
你问他，她什么都说不通，
一直很不耐烦的说好难好难，
可是其实他已经把答案交上了。
一些人却一直很会装傻，
这个不懂，那个不懂，
你教了他，
他再装不懂，
而在你没发现的过程了，
她得到老师的欢喜，
在背后慢慢地踩死你。
一起吃饭的我们，
非常非常少地互相交谈关于病例，病案，经验。
以前的我，
会一直分享，
可是我慢慢发现没有人是愿意这么做的。
所以，一坐下来就是谈一些大大小小人物的好坏事。
除了事业的事，还有好多正经事是可以轻松的谈起来。
可惜不在这一班里。

一直让我怀疑，
是不是选错系了，
这中医系的人都是那么自私的吗？
四年了，
我还是不习惯这种own world 的环境。
一直压抑，一直忧郁，
因为这里没有一个东西事值得我松口气。
在我最需要帮忙的时候，
没有人愿意帮我，
辅导我。
也许我表面上看起来什么都懂，
但我经历的是万倍的烦恼，
一直挣扎，
因为华文比较差，
对一些理解还是模糊的，
像现在那样，
没有方向感，
同学一直假装不懂，
但大家已经快完毕他们的功课了。

Last night, i re-read the letter my ex roommate gave me. It says a lot. Lying close to the letter I sleep with just a few drop of tears.

信里面的一句：

‘不管事实伤了你多少次，妳还是会选择一再相信，一再参与，一再想帮人，这不是笨，这是种优点’

To always give me an ear and a shoulder to lean on !

It will be alright ~

Just right after briefing on our FYP,
it feels so stuffy and irritating,
I haven't really got my direction and my topic,
Guess what!?
My lecture does not have any intention to help me.
I don't know why,
but I am guessing that he dislikes me.
Anyway I looked and searched,
probably I see it in the wrong way,
and CNKI - NONSENSE ! they don't allow me download.
Online searching for Malaysia research papers,
there don't seems to be many,
and why does my lecturer doubt the topic I look into !
Once again, I cried in the car !! :'(

Forget about it anyway.
back to reality !
probably I just need to do it slowly,
once at a time,
work harder and smarter maybe.
No matter how biased those lecturers can be,
it probably tells me to push extra harder to achieve my needs,
just like all those years that I fight for my life.
Tough life, but is still bearable.

I feel much better after dodge ball,
after coincidentally meet my ex roommate,
after my senior console me.
So glad that at least something good is happening.

My ex roomie,
spend that little time calming me down,
taught me to do it a step at a time,
shared her experiences on her FYP,
roughly explained the niche and demands to guide me through my topic,
even though she might not be so certain on chinese medicine,
she did actually hint me in my findings,
if only if she is my roommate now.
Missing her sitting beside me and all the long night talks.

Being so far away,
he tried to make me feel better,
it feels good to keep in touch with my buddy again,
knowing that we actually lose contacts for quite some time,
I miss him and I miss our basketball and badminton time.
Take good care of yourself there !
and yes I will FIGHT for myself and try to reject all those endless jobs. hehe

Dear God, do Wish me LUCK ~~~ <3

Tough luck Tough life

可以说我是用工作来麻醉自己的忧郁，
也可以说我最近真的很需要赚点钱。

With a car, it is much more convenient to go wherever I want,
But with it, my expenses hike up,
besides, with the car being 10 years old,
I'm still worry that it will break down anytime.

With a true intention of helping more and more people,
seeing more patients,
I feel good.
But when I am in need of cash.
I tighten my expenses,
sacrifices my pennies of meals,
gradually cutting down the fun with friends,
cracking my head on earnings,
so that I can afford to pay for my experiences.

I don't know what my brain made up of,
when there is no work,
I became depressed thinking all the nonsense,
but when i have work,
the brain asked me to stop from being too exhausted.

The worries never stop.
and I never stop thinking.


Yesterday, I met a 99 years old patient,
I dont understand how could he live till that age,
and still walking.
How much I wish I could end my misery right away.

When can I be strong enough to face reality?
When can I be mature enough to think properly?
When can I be brave enough to keep moving without tears?
When can I be capable enough to help my family?

In a dilemma ~